I have wanted to speak about this subject for a long time, but couldn’t find the right words nor the complete motivation to carry this out. But now I have a deep feeling in my stomach pulling me towards writing this, and I am becoming extremely inspired to share my thoughts, hoping that you take into account of what I have to say. I feel God putting this struggle in my life, and he, somehow, wants me to share it. I believe that most girls battle with the feeling of not being wanted, especially romantically; leading to questions such as “why is he interested in her and not me? Am I not pretty enough? Funny enough? Social enough?” etc. These questions lead to destruction of one’s character, and it whole-heartedly crushes your self-worth and leaves self-love non-existent. The interest in guys have probably started in middle school for some, maybe earlier, maybe later on during high school. But whenever you have developed these feelings, there are probably times where it hasn’t been so lovely. You have probably felt stressed; does he like me? Should I talk to him? What do I wear when he’s around? How much makeup? You have also probably felt insecure to the point of becoming depressed. The feeling of rejection ties ten thousand knots in your stomach and leaves no room for what we all need: the love of Christ. It is the void of Christ’s love that leaves us with the plaguing thoughts of romance. I am here to share my story, and I am here to show you how desperately we need to love Christ before we fully try to love someone else. This is coming from a Christian, a believer in Christ myself and the struggles I’ve experienced with worldly love.
I’ve always been one to value relationships and what they stand for. It wasn’t till freshmen year when I started to really develop feelings for guys. It was especially hard considering I was attending a public school, and relationships, as you all know, are a huge thing with everyone. There were couples making out at every hall corner, flirtations covered everyone’s conversations; it was a love saturated atmosphere and it lead me to believe in a kind of love that would later destroy me and my outlook in faith. Fast forward to senior year of high school, after dozens of crushes on dozens of guys who made eye contact with me for more than two seconds, and my perception of relationships had come to a downward spiral. I was looking for love for all the wrong reasons, and I was questioning God on why I was not in a relationship, why all my friends were but not me. It led me to pursue after ungodly men, men who weren’t worth my time yet I gave them a worth so high I could not break out of it. I became devastated when it “didn’t work out,” as if I actually had a chance. It sent me into a daze, and I would literally feel numb. It was terrible, and it was embarrassing. I have spent most of my thoughts on guys, and it was completely unhealthy. Now, don’t take this as me being obsessed with guys; most of you who are reading this know me, and you know that I am not infatuated with the male species. Yet I would put unnecessary time on guys who were nothing but a validation of my self-worth. It had come to my full realization that these thoughts and emotions I felt were against everything that God has set into stone. I was out for lust, not love. I was out for the kisses and the hugs and the hand holding, and the “I love you’s” and “you are my one and only.” It was complete and utter BS, and it still is now.
I have always been the one who my friends came to for relationship advice, which is quite ironic because I have never been in a relationship before, let alone even had my first kiss. But I knew a lot when it came to what was needing advice on; I look at relationships in a light of common sense, where it is common sense to talk up front about issues, it is common sense to give respect to one another, to value each other and to build one another up. I would give all this advice, and it left me feeling something I would’ve never thought would come out of it: emptiness. It was as if a black hole was living inside my gut, and sucked out the life out of every fiber of my body. I had to take a full step back, and evaluate everything I stood for. I had to come to full realization that what I was pursuing within the romantic side of life was ungodly, useless, and leading me towards a deep depression and fragility in my self-image.
Coming to this understanding, it’s self evident that we are so quick to wanting to be with someone, so so quick. It’s as if we don’t have time, that this is the only moment that exists and if we don’t take a hold of it now, it’ll be gone forever. We are so focused on seeking pleasure, that we forget to seek consolidation.
The love of Christ is what we need to know before we can fully love another person. This intimacy with Christ goes so deep, that if we do not strive to fulfill it, we are left heartless and devoid of true love and passion. It is what I have been devoid in this journey of romance my entire life; I sought to find love just for the fun of it, to see if a guy liked me and to be appraised by him and appreciated by him. But what was the outcome in that? The bragging rights? The nice words? It was the idea of being liked by another person to the extent that they will one day want to spend the rest of their life with me. Now, that necessarily isn’t a bad thing, but to solely go after someone just because 1) it’s what everyone else is doing and 2) because it makes you feel loved, you will set yourself up for disappointment; I’m here to tell you that you do not need the love of man to make you feel worth. You already have a love so deep and so true and pure in Christ. You will be let down by others here on earth, they will turn on you and sometimes you won’t even know why. But with Christ, there is no letting down. A speaker at my church stated that “Christ would rather die, than not be with you.” He came down to earth and died for our sins, just so he could build this eternal relationship with us. Many of you see faults in this, many of you doubt, and that’s okay. I find myself victim to doubts, but what I have with God and what I have experienced in my life has led me to put full trust on him, and I have never been the same. I want you all to experience this. I want you to see what you have been so longing to see for yourself, to feel what true love is. Everyone wants to be loved, everyone. And most of the time we are let down by love from the world. We are told where to look for this “love,” and it only leads us more broken than before. You have worth in God. You have love in God. You have comfort in God. You have a home in God. If you are feeling empty, numb, unloved, know that you have a place with Christ. Instead of pursuing man, you pursue Christ, and in that pursuance, God will place someone in your life unexpectedly. There is a time and a place for love, it may not be now. But it will come, and it will be glorious.