I’m beginning to feel numb again. Like icicles taking form

of my close relative, burned wood

stepping into my brain.

I collapse in the presence of adversity.


I will become ground you tread on,

I will become barren tree you skip by,

I will become nothing of me but everything of



You have my lifeline, dipping up

and down to pulse almost deplete.

Holes have shot through me

and now water pushes out every crevice,

why have you allowed waterfalls to happen within me?

Why does the night subside and descend

into madness,

why have I not been given the slightest

aforementioned thought of a time once

present? I see absolutely nothing.

You see absolutely everything.

My face becomes cracked in all direction and

my knees rock the cold surface, light purple bruising

has spotted my kneecap,

this marble-white dress flowing downward into grandiosity.


Be quiet, do not make a

sound in this state.

Vulnerability has taken over

and is flickering inside your center,

you can shift your weight so bruising

does not become fatal,

but understand the cracks,

get to know them because that is your makeup

and it is becoming a story.


Beauty is what you see.

You spell it out and you engrave it

above me.

When you gave the word to have

arrows slung at me, you knew the

exact location they would hit and

protected each part of my being.

I scream into the colorless unknown thinking

you were never here, but soft voices lay

beside me and I just refused to listen.

When you fashioned a new system in my heart,

I threw away the manual,

too many words for me to concentrate.

But now it is brought back and I read every

last word of it.

You have broken,

and you have mend.


Grace sufficient in vast quantities and I am living in it.

Pour it out, pour it out, never-ending flow.

Freely do I run now,

freely do I go.



In the Earth that you created,

you saw beauty in the dusty


and it was good.


In the lines of your palms,

rivers bend at the authority of your


They dip and concave

and swirl in a sweep

of Joy

And it was good.


See, no one here on your Earth

can even fathom the eternal beauty

you exhaled out of your mouth.

No one can even see the pure veil

that you crafted from your fingertips

and have settled upon the ground.

We can’t even begin to pull apart the strings

Of your heart,

the mass of life that pulses through

your veins,

Agape flow,

Agape flow,

Streams of mercy

they go

forth in your beats.


And it was good.


In our dirt minds

You have planted a seed,

You have planted it deep inside,

And you have embedded it in the middle of our lies.

And you place your seed deep into our dirt

And you place it deep into our hurt

And you place your seed deep in the core,

Your water pours forth upon your seed,

You see us,

And we are so so good.



In your image

You made us.

You created us,

You, you, you crafted our brains,

Our soul is your breath.

Look, Father,

Look at our hands.

Look at the flesh you formed,

Look at the roughness,

Look at the softness,

Look at the fear that has intertwined

with our fingers.

Look at the manipulation that tugged at

our tips,

Look at the self-hatred that scraped up the skin


Take our hands.

Take them.

Take back what is yours.

But take them lightly,



Let your Spirit

Mend the wounds

Suffocation release in your waves of Light

Let rusty chains break from your divine Name.


“Make me know Your ways, O LORD; Teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; For You I wait all the day.”


In all this,

It was very good.




Jesus Calling Devotion Break-Down

“Try to stay conscious of Me as you go step by step through this day. My presence with you is both a promise and a protection. After My resurrection, I assured My followers: Surely I am with you always. That promise was for all of My followers, without exception. The promise of My Presence is a powerful protection. As you journey through your life, there are numerous pitfalls along the way. Many voices clamor for your attention, enticing you to go their way. A few steps away from your true path are pits of self-pity and despair, plateaus of pride and self-will. If you take your eyes off Me and follow another’s way, you are in grave danger. Even well-meaning friends can lead you astray if you let them usurp My place in your life. The way to stay on the path of Life is to keep your focus on Me. Awareness of My Presence is your best protection.”

I want to take apart this devotion, and dive deep into how important it is to take this seriously and to heart. In our walk in faith, we must be aware of the presence of God. If we lose sight of it, the enemy comes in and starts to settle into our lives. The very first line of this devotion is “try to stay conscious of Me as you go step by step through this day.” The very fact that it starts with this statement is to get us in the right mindset. Every single day is a battle, and we must stay conscious of Christ. The next line, “My presence with you is both a promise and a protection,” is stating the power of His presence. It may not be tangible, but the Holy Spirit is evident in everything around us, and His presence is a major protection for our soul against the world. We can become so corrupt. We can fall into sin so easily, and I am a culprit of this. If we do not guard ourselves, we will walk straight into death; death of the spirit. It says that His presence is also a promise. This can mean a promise of a better future ahead of us, a promise of hope and peace. But it all boils down to our intentionality with God. Are we going to accept his promise and live it out? Or acknowledge it, then go back to whatever we were doing or thinking a few seconds before? There must be an act of obedience within the spiritual walk. You don’t have to get it right away, it’s a constant progression. It’s okay if you fail, and it’s okay if you get sucked into sin. You are not defined by your mistakes, but you are defined by how you approach it. So as you stray away from Christ’s conscious, you stray away from your spiritual progression because you are choosing not to own up to your faults and to not give it up to the cross. “Try to stay conscious of Me as you go step by step through this day. My Presence with you is both a promise and a protection.” It goes on to say that “that promise was for all of My followers, without exception.” Without exception. When we believe in Christ with our hearts and accept Him as our Saviour, we are promised His presence and Spirit. God never leaves us. Never. He doesn’t just dump His Holy Spirit onto us then peaces out. He is constantly inside of us, constantly working and shaping and molding us. Every step we take, he takes two. Every place we go, His Presence saturates that place. So the question follows: Do you believe it? Are you willing to seek His presence? If you say that He is quiet, evaluate yourself. Have you actively been in the Word? Have you intentionally thought about Him, about His presence and looked for scriptures? When was the last time you talked to Him? The fact that He is not a tangible God comes to a disadvantage to most. The whole talk about the Holy Spirit and His presence feels completely intangible, yet when we believe with our whole hearts and start to study and read and talk to Him, the more tangible the Spirit becomes. And that is why it is so important to stay conscious of Him every single day. One little rabbit trail can lead into treacherous paths that will be really hard to turn back from.

Now, I want to focus on a chunk of this devotion and go into understanding of what it truly means, going and applying it to our own lives. “As you journey through your life, there are numerous pitfalls along the way. Many voices clamor for your attention, enticing you to go their way. A few steps away from your true path are pits of self-pity and despair, plateaus of pride and self-will. If you take your eyes off Me and follow another’s way, you are in grave danger.” This is a heavy statement. This is acknowledging your sin, this is acknowledging your imperfect life. Once you believe in Christ, your life does not immediately get better. You will struggle just as much, and the enemy will knock you down anytime he gets a chance to. The reason being is that now that you have found truth and you’re doing something right,  Satan is paying extra attention to you and will try to take you away from the presence of God. There is no sugar-coating this. That is why there must be an acknowledgement of the “numerous pitfalls,” of all the struggles that will come your way. Once you are aware of this, you can start to build up a strong foundation in Christ and have Him be your ultimate protector. I love how the next line says “many voices clamor for your attention, enticing you to go their way.” This indicates the world trying to grab a hold of you, and there will be temptations and struggles in your walk. There will be many voices to lead you in other paths, and there will be many lies that you will come to believe. I encourage you to break that as soon as you realize it. Once a lie has settled into your brain, it will begin to influence you and your thoughts. This is a dangerous pathway. It then goes on to say the outcomes of straying away from your true path in Christ: self-pity and despair, pride and self-will. Think about those. Self-pity and despair. Pride and self-will. Self-pity is such a huge struggle for me. I have suffered with wallowing in my negative thoughts that it had physically weighed me down. It’s like a progression. You start the day off great, you are energized and you feel so in tune with God. Then, a thought pops up, or even a present situation. And you just dive right in. It’s so easy to get caught in the moment. So so easy. Once you feed into it, self-pity starts to happen. Why is this happening to me? This shouldn’t be happening to me, it should be happening to someone else. I’m too good for this, I’m too in tune with God for this, why, why, why? Then follows despair. Despair is such a strong feeling, and it can overtake you instantly. The definition of despair is the complete loss or absence of hope. Complete. Not just partially. But complete loss of hope. Hope is Christ Jesus. Hope is the Kingdom. And all that hope is gone as soon as you trail away. As soon as you go into self-pity, despair immediately follows. It’s interesting how in this devotion it links despair with self-pity in the same sentence. I believe the reason being is because focusing on yourself in a negative way can lead you to lose all hope in humanity. You are looking at yourself as a victim, as someone who is in this situation and you see yourself as hurt, and with that comes despair. Pride and self-will go hand in hand as well. The definition of pride is a feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one’s own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired. Investing in people’s validation of you is such an unhealthy way to view yourself, as it takes your worth away from Christ. In the definition of pride it goes to say a “deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one’s own achievements.” The deep pleasure. Think about those words. Deep pleasure. There should be deep pleasure in God, not your own self. A prideful life leads to a prideful faith. Straying away from your true path is a prideful act. And going into the word self-will, that’s a powerful thing to look at. We believe that God created us, right? And that He formed us in His perfect image, and that He has our future in His hands and He knows where we go, right? Why are we trying to think otherwise? Self-will is the act of leading your own life without the influence of anything else. It is determining your own life, and taking steps to try and fulfill your own future and what you want to make of it. Self-will is pride. Self-will is not recognizing God’s plan for you, and not trusting in Him to lead your life. He created us. Why are we going against that? It is hard stuff to think about, and this is wrecking me as I am writing it. Sometimes we underestimate the danger of taking our eyes off of Christ for just a second, for tasting the world in just a brief moment. Just five seconds can lead to an eternity of despair. “If you take your eyes off Me and follow another’s way, you are in grave danger.” Be careful in where and who you put your time and energy into. There must be an awareness of Him in order for us to live a free life in joy.

Hebrews 12:1-2 was the verse given, and it wraps up all of this perfectly. “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Let us strive to be pure in Christ, to run with perseverance and have strength in the Lord. Let us throw away the sin that so easily wraps around us, and to remember the sufferings that Christ endured on the cross. Do not be ashamed in your failings, we are only human. But do not be ashamed in Christ. You are worthy in the eyes of God, and He wants you to bask in His love and peace. Look to Him. Press in.

Jesus Calling Devotion Break-Down

Redemption In Love

I have wanted to speak about this subject for a long time, but couldn’t find the right words nor the complete motivation to carry this out. But now I have a deep feeling in my stomach pulling me towards writing this, and I am becoming extremely inspired to share my thoughts, hoping that you take into account of what I have to say. I feel God putting this struggle in my life, and he, somehow, wants me to share it. I believe that most girls battle with the feeling of not being wanted, especially romantically; leading to questions such as “why is he interested in her and not me? Am I not pretty enough? Funny enough? Social enough?” etc. These questions lead to destruction of one’s character, and it whole-heartedly crushes your self-worth and leaves self-love non-existent. The interest in guys have probably started in middle school for some, maybe earlier, maybe later on during high school. But whenever you have developed these feelings, there are probably times where it hasn’t been so lovely. You have probably felt stressed; does he like me? Should I talk to him? What do I wear when he’s around? How much makeup? You have also probably felt insecure to the point of becoming depressed. The feeling of rejection ties ten thousand knots in your stomach and leaves no room for what we all need: the love of Christ. It is the void of Christ’s love that leaves us with the plaguing thoughts of romance. I am here to share my story, and I am here to show you how desperately we need to love Christ before we fully try to love someone else. This is coming from a Christian, a believer in Christ myself and the struggles I’ve experienced with worldly love.

I’ve always been one to value relationships and what they stand for. It wasn’t till freshmen year when I started to really develop feelings for guys. It was especially hard considering I was attending a public school, and relationships, as you all know, are a huge thing with everyone. There were couples making out at every hall corner, flirtations covered everyone’s conversations; it was a love saturated atmosphere and it lead me to believe in a kind of love that would later destroy me and my outlook in faith. Fast forward to senior year of high school, after dozens of crushes on dozens of guys who made eye contact with me for more than two seconds, and my perception of relationships had come to a downward spiral. I was looking for love for all the wrong reasons, and I was questioning God on why I was not in a relationship, why all my friends were but not me. It led me to pursue after ungodly men, men who weren’t worth my time yet I gave them a worth so high I could not break out of it. I became devastated when it “didn’t work out,” as if I actually had a chance. It sent me into a daze, and I would literally feel numb. It was terrible, and it was embarrassing. I have spent most of my thoughts on guys, and it was completely unhealthy. Now, don’t take this as me being obsessed with guys; most of you who are reading this know me, and you know that I am not infatuated with the male species. Yet I would put unnecessary time on guys who were nothing but a validation of my self-worth. It had come to my full realization that these thoughts and emotions I felt were against everything that God has set into stone. I was out for lust, not love. I was out for the kisses and the hugs and the hand holding, and the “I love you’s” and “you are my one and only.” It was complete and utter BS, and it still is now.

I have always been the one who my friends came to for relationship advice, which is quite ironic because I have never been in a relationship before, let alone even had my first kiss. But I knew a lot when it came to what was needing advice on; I look at relationships in a light of common sense, where it is common sense to talk up front about issues, it is common sense to give respect to one another, to value each other and to build one another up. I would give all this advice, and it left me feeling something I would’ve never thought would come out of it: emptiness. It was as if a black hole was living inside my gut, and sucked out the life out of every fiber of my body. I had to take a full step back, and evaluate everything I stood for. I had to come to full realization that what I was pursuing within the romantic side of life was ungodly, useless, and leading me towards a deep depression and fragility in my self-image.

Coming to this understanding, it’s self evident that we are so quick to wanting to be with someone, so so quick. It’s as if we don’t have time, that this is the only moment that exists and if we don’t take a hold of it now, it’ll be gone forever. We are so focused on seeking pleasure, that we forget to seek consolidation.

The love of Christ is what we need to know before we can fully love another person. This intimacy with Christ goes so deep, that if we do not strive to fulfill it, we are left heartless and devoid of true love and passion. It is what I have been devoid in this journey of romance my entire life; I sought to find love just for the fun of it, to see if a guy liked me and to be appraised by him and appreciated by him. But what was the outcome in that? The bragging rights? The nice words? It was the idea of being liked by another person to the extent that they will one day want to spend the rest of their life with me. Now, that necessarily isn’t a bad thing, but to solely go after someone just because 1) it’s what everyone else is doing and 2) because it makes you feel loved, you will set yourself up for disappointment; I’m here to tell you that you do not need the love of man to make you feel worth. You already have a love so deep and so true and pure in Christ. You will be let down by others here on earth, they will turn on you and sometimes you won’t even know why. But with Christ, there is no letting down. A speaker at my church stated that “Christ would rather die, than not be with you.” He came down to earth and died for our sins, just so he could build this eternal relationship with us. Many of you see faults in this, many of you doubt, and that’s okay. I find myself victim to doubts, but what I have with God and what I have experienced in my life has led me to put full trust on him, and I have never been the same. I want you all to experience this. I want you to see what you have been so longing to see for yourself, to feel what true love is. Everyone wants to be loved, everyone. And most of the time we are let down by love from the world. We are told where to look for this “love,” and it only leads us more broken than before. You have worth in God. You have love in God. You have comfort in God. You have a home in God. If you are feeling empty, numb, unloved, know that you have a place with Christ. Instead of pursuing man, you pursue Christ, and in that pursuance, God will place someone in your life unexpectedly. There is a time and a place for love, it may not be now. But it will come, and it will be glorious.



Redemption In Love

To You

I’m trying to find words to write poems again,
Yet my fingers refuse to ink paper
And my mind keeps going in different directions.
I try to pinpoint what exactly it is I’m getting at,
But it gets lost in a mix of unsaid words
And broken phrases.

I get a sense of confusion when I look at you.
When I try to write poetry
Your face forms in my mind
And I try to rip it out of the folds
In my brain
But you stain my heart
With your transparent eyes,
And I’ve come close
To stabbing myself with this godforsaken

Why can’t I write one single line of poetry
While you’re a living poem
Your metaphoric lips sing praises
your fingers extend out into emotional
To walk in tandem with your footsteps
Is to walk in tandem with Oscar Wilde.

I’m trying to find words but my mind is under construction
But you have no road blocks, so you
Constantly write.
And you constantly breathe life into words,
You breathe life into life
You inhale the toxicity of the human race
And exhale a pure dust of newborn kindness.

I’m a walking potato sack
Who writes bad poetry because
Writing a book turned out to be
Too much effort.
I’m helplessly trying to structure words
Out of the dark
But you’re blinding rays
Soak up my night
And I stay awake
To the soft thumps
Of intimacy with the stars.

I’m bleeding out poetry
And it’s killing me.
I’m bleeding out love
And it’s killing me.
I’m bleeding out reasoning
And I’m bleeding out
And it’s bleeding into ground
And now the dirt has a better understanding
Of who I am.
Maybe I’ll grow into a tree.
A giant that you will one day
Rest yourself under,
And the shade that I provide you with,
Will soften your eyesight, so you can
Take one good look
At the world,
And distinctly remember
Who I was.

To You